If the Presidential Election Was a high school comedy
Article and Picture Edits by Kelsey Grace
Published by Slant News on March 12, 2016
Went viral with over 100,000 views in 24 hours
This 2016 presidential race is arguably one of the most discussed events in United States history. Most of that is thanks to the people constantly broadcasting their feelings on this social media platform or the next, but anyway you look at it, opinions are being heard.
The memes and the jokes and the videos of each candidate only touch the surface of the tone this race has taken. A tone that may be better suited for a high school comedy.
Get your popcorn ready, class is in session.
Get in loser, we're building a wall.
Donald Trump is the Mean Girl
Trump takes the cake as ultimate 'Queen B' in a battle royale between the Regina George's and Cher Horowitz's of the world. Actually, he and Stacey Dash really should be best of friends. He is the girl who promises pizza parties and a free spring break in Cabo to get votes. Ultimately, people vote because they want to be rich and popular too. But let's be honest, she'll promise every nerd out there to be their date to prom, but she'll still go with the star quarterback instead.
What's your damage, Bernie?
Hillary Clinton is the Overachiever who eats lunch in the math room
There is nothing wrong with eating in the math room. You can get your work done for next week without being disturbed! Hillary is the physical hybrid of Winona Ryder's Veronica in Heathers and Reese Witherspoon's Tracy in Election. She's wanted this forever, and the presidency will look damn good on her college application to all of the Ivy Leagues. However, studying and working that hard does leave a bit to be desired ... she has to woo all of the student cliques, and that's a bit hard when you're only a part of the mathletes and the debate team.
You're allergic to dancing?
Ted Cruz is the Outsider trying to fit in
Ted Cruz = Kenny Fischer from Can't Hardly Wait. This kid has hopped from clique to clique and is honestly just happy some people have accepted him. It would be nice to get some votes, but honestly, it'd just be nice for everyone to show up at his campaign house party. He's promised chips and dip, but will probably just end up serving goat cheese and water crackers from his parent’s cocktail party stash. We're not mad about it, but sometimes you just want Tostitos and salsa.
If you don't stop and feel the Bern for a while, you could miss it.
Bernie Sanders is the Cool Kid who breaks all the rules
Move over Ferris Bueller and Marty McFly, Bernie Sanders is here. This guy seems to have an "in" with every clique in school, and he is playing to that advantage. He gives weed to the stoners, brings hundreds of people to the drama club productions, and even holds his own in basketball against the jocks.
He could go up and give a speech about a baby panda and its mother, and the entire auditorium would cheer. That being said, he's a fifth-year senior, and while he too promises amazing things, he might want to think about how to get them done ... rather than skipping school and singing The Beatles version of "Twist and Shout" at a parade in downtown Chicago.
Oh, I'll stay away from your voters, but I can't guarantee they'll stay away from me.
Marco Rubio is the guy your mom tells you not to date
Marco Rubio has reached peak Joey Donner in 10 Things I Hate About You. He's elusive, a mystery, and you're lying if you say you've never snuck a glance as he walked down the hallway. Your mother warned you about guys like him, but you're still looking to break down his exterior and see the perfect guy underneath. Unfortunately, you should always listen to mothers when it comes to men. Rubio is the guy the prettiest girl in school dates until he breaks up with her so he can 'be a free agent' in college. She always ends up with the geeky dude, John Kasich, in the end.
Who's your favorite character in the comedy that is the presidential election?